FLASH Parent tried an I statement

I just wanted to share with you a situation that happened when I got home from FLASH last night. 

I introduced I statements to my hubby and my eldest last night. My daughter laughed and Hubby fumbled trying to grasp the concept. I left it. I popped my head into my daughter and asked her to go in the shower whilst I put bedding on her bed. She panicked. Followed me upstairs and jumped on the bed before I could do anything with it. She was obviously hiding something. Immediately, I panicked as these types of confrontations would have gone so badly before and resulted in both of us being dysregulated for days. 

So I tried an I statement. 

Me:       I feel frustrated when secretive behaviour is displayed because it feels disrespectful, I would like you to get off the bed. 

YP:        No

Me:       I feel concerned when things are hidden because it could be dangerous. I would like to talk about it. 

YP:        But you never talk all you do is yell. 

This opened up a conversation about my commitment through NDOA and FLASH to get better control.

I offered to leave the room and give her a chance to sort it out and then we talk about it will that work?

First this was shut down but eventually after a number of ‘hooks’ which I didn’t bite to but stayed consistent in staying in the room due to my first priority in keeping her safe she said, “can you leave and let me sort it then we can talk.”

I left for 10mins (which we agreed on).

When I came back she was sat on her bed with a tiny tick tac pot and a note. The note said “I haven’t ever used knives, I’ve used this….open me”. I opened the pot and there was a small sharper blade inside. 

I told her how proud I was of her and how brave it was.

We talked some more about how she feels and some of the fear she has around confrontation.

I told her I was sorry that I didn’t know how to be a better mum to her then but I am getting help to be that better mum now. And that no matter what had happened I loved her in all those moments. 

She was able to cry and be vulnerable without disassociation and I felt in control. No tummy flips, no adrenaline, just calm. 

We hugged and she went straight downstairs to watch some telly. 

Thank you for giving me the tools to have the first proper conversation with my kids in a year!

We are all so grateful for the support. I am gutted it’s over. 

You all do such an incredible job, it can’t be easy working with parents literally at rock bottom. You have all been a real beacon of light to me. 

Thank you from all of us in our family!